When I was little I only ever knew your name and that you had given birth to me. I also knew that if I wanted to I could reach out to you when I was 18. It wasn't until high school that I found the letter you had sent me when I was baby. I don't know if the letter necessarily helped me. It did tell me the story about you and my birth father though. I liked knowing the story. The day I found the letter I also found a card from who I assume was your step-mother. I could be wrong. The card came with pictures of one of my younger half sisters. It also listed all of my half-sisters' names. I think that card is why I don't know if the letter helped. I didn't realize it right away but that card made me wonder. Why did you give me up for adoption? Why did you keep my sisters? I mean the oldest one that you kept was only two years younger than me.
Mentally, I knew the answers to those questions. I'm a smart girl. But, emotionally, I couldn't understand it. It hurt me a lot. Not that I would have admitted that until recently. I think being adopted messed with my mind. I'm not blaming you for this. I understand why you gave me up for adoption and I know it must have been hard for you. But again just because I understand it mentally doesn't mean my emotions understand it. It made me feel unwanted although I know that wasn't true. What I found out after finding the letter was that you fought for me. You had changed your mind. I know there's a reason the judge decided to let my adoptive parents keep me but just knowing you fought for me made me feel a lot better. For a while it was confusing about why I was allowed to have my birth father's family in my life and not you or your family. I later understood it though.
When I turned 18 I was suddenly scared to meet you. For years I wanted nothing more than to meet you. I don't know what changed for me even now almost a year and a half later. I had found you on Facebook in like ninth or tenth grade, so all I had to do was send you a friend request and a message. I finally sent that friend request in March of 2015. You took a month but you finally accepted it. I then spent the next four months trying to figure out what I wanted to say to you. I finally sent you a message in August though. To my knowledge you still haven't read that message. I sent you message in October for your birthday and you read it but never replied.
I don't want you to think I'm reaching out to you for a mother figure. I have a mother. I love her very much and she's amazing. She works really hard to provide for me and my family. I reached out to you simply to say that I had tried. I didn't want something to happen to you and I had never even tried to talk to you. Now that I have I'm okay. I'm okay if you never send me a message or talk to me. Yes it would nice to meet you and my half-siblings. Yes, I know they aren't my actual siblings but they are by blood so I still count them. But meeting them and you isn't something I need to be okay anymore.
In your letter to me you said that you hoped I didn't hate you. I've never hated you. Not since day one. I've always loved you even though I didn't know you. I just want you to know that. I also want to thank you for the advice you gave me. It's easier said than done to not be who someone else wants me to be but as I get older it's slowly starting to get a little easier.
Your daughter that you put up for adoption,
Kylee
